loss of sense and reason
by shortcurlytop99
Summary: Jace ran away so Clary, Simon, Alec and Isabelle go looking for him. Clary runs into Raphael and is need of a distraction. kind of a quick link to my other story;lies my boyfriend told me. review and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Clary woke up suddenly, not even sure what startled her out of slumber. She was sleeping under a bridge in Brooklyn (as disgusting and dangerous as that may be) her companions about twenty feet away, sound asleep. Clary rolled her shoulders, trying to ignore that now constant and familiar ache inside of her. it was, she was angry and depressed to admit, a combining sense of betrayal and anxiety. Jace had left them, ran away from the institute to God knows where. And now Clary, Simon, Alec and Isabelle were stuck looking for him. Clary supposed the Clave would have stepped in if they had known. But Mayrse and Robert Lightwood were in Idris and Alec and Isabelle didn't want to worry them. So now it was up the four of them to get Jace back and cover up the whole thing before the Lightwoods came home. The enormity of the task kept Clary together, or else she feared she would have fallen apart by now. Clary rolled her head and shoulders, working out the knots and then stopped short. A slight figure was standing about five feet to her left. Try to sound braver than she felt, she half whispered,

"Who's there?" when no one answered Clary raised her volume and pitch slightly higher, "show yourself."

That got her a soft chuckle from the shadowy form.

"_Dios,_ tense, aren't we?" Clary recognized the voice immediately.

"Raphael? Why and how are you here?"

He came closer, into the shaft of moonlight, and he looked particularly amused.

"I have my reasons and ways, Nephlim."

Raphael was dressed in what Clary now identified as his regular attire, minus the leather jacket and riding gloves: a sharply pressed white shirt and black dress slacks. He regarded her intently. Clary felt herself blush at memory of their last meeting.

"Fine. I don't care. Just stay out of my way," Clary turned away and flopped back down. Her spine was flush against the ground and she stared hard at the overpass that hung above her. She heard the slight rustle of leaves and then Raphael was sitting next to her.

_God, I must really be pathetic if I want Raphael to keep me company_. Anger at Jace and what he had done pulsed through her. By now Clary wasn't sure if she wanted to cry or hit something. No, she didn't want to cry (well, maybe just a little) and she didn't want to hit something. She wanted to _forget_. Ignoring the little voice in the back of her head screaming at her not to do what she was about to do. Clary rolled to her side so she was facing Raphael.

He was staring straight ahead, face expressionless and eyes a million miles away. Clary's voice was soft when she said,

"Raphael?"

He turned his head towards her, eyebrows raised. Clary abandoned all sense or reason. With boldness that shocked her, she reached out and grabbed Raphael by the front of his shirt and pulled him towards her. Before her conscience could further warn her against the stupidity of her current actions, Clary forcefully pressed her mouth against his. At first he didn't respond, but as he noticed Clary meant it, he kissed her back with intensity that scared her a little. Clary had only kissed three guys in her life. Sebastian (AKA Jonathan); too gross to describe, Simon and Jace; too good for words. And since Jace, Clary always envisioned him, when she kissed Simon and when she kissed Jonathan. But she wasn't seeing Jace now. Clary doubted this had anything to do with lack of interest but more to do with that Raphael was…different. Jace held her with love, like he would never let her go, his touch warm and comforting. But there was nothing warm or comforting in Raphael's touch. It was cool; no pulse beat in his body. It was more than a little unnerving. His touch didn't exactly give her warm fuzzy feelings either, but it wasn't all together unpleasant. Clary felt Raphael shift, so he was almost lying on top of her. Clary twined her arms around his neck, letting her fingers touch his soft curls. She felt Raphael touching her hair as well, when his lips left her lips and pressed against her neck, she gasped out loud. Suddenly he stopped and pulled back. Propping himself on his elbows, staring down at her. Clary didn't really know what to expect, but what came out of Raphael's mouth was definitely not it,

"Under most circumstances, I wouldn't question why a girl would throw herself at me, but since you're _you,_ I'll make an exception."

Clary couldn't help but pout, although she didn't want to. He was making out with a totally forbidden person, a Shadowhunter, totally free from any consequence but yet he was complaining. Clary shook her head, mostly to herself. Boys that are alive; boys that are undead. They were all the same; too much attention and the upkeep was a pain in the ass.

"Why am I the exception?" she said finally, trying to question Raphael's logic.

"Because I'm suspicious. I do desperate, but I don't trust it when _you're_ desperate. For some reason unbeknownst to me and to the rest of the free speaking world, you're in love with Jace, and would never betray him. Besides; if you and Blondie reunite and you blab about me to him, which I'm sure you will do most readily, I'll have a stake run through my heart."

That sounded pretty accurate to Clary. She noticed Raphael had frozen, seeming to hear something she couldn't. Quickly and silently he rolled off of her. He flashed a quick grin (fangs and all) before disappearing into the shadows.

"Clary? Are you alright?" it was Simon, standing just a few feet away. His dark eyes large and full of suspicion. Clary faked a yawn and said,

"Yeah, I'm fine. Woke up and couldn't fall asleep. Sorry if I disturbed you."

Simon seemed to be staring where Raphael was only a few moments before,

"Was someone here with you?"

Clary tried to keep her heart from jumping out of her chest,

"No,"

"Alright then. Night Clary,"

She thought Simon would have offered to stay with her, but he didn't. He walked away; making no sound. Something Clary still couldn't get used to. Sometimes she felt he was a different person but it was only a brief feeling: Simon was still Simon, vampire or not.

Clary closed her eyes hoping to have a sudden and violent case of amnesia, so she could forget the whole thing. She fell into a restless slumber, getting her dreams mixed up with reality. Unfortunately, Raphael had quite a large role in both.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a whole day of exploring Brooklyn for Jace, with no luck whatsoever. Simon threw himself on a nearby bench,

"This is hopeless. We have no idea where he could have gone."

Clary was inclined to agree. They had looked high and low. Isabelle was shaking her head though,

"We've only searched mundane spots, let's face it, Jace wouldn't be there. We need to go where Downworlders go."

Alec glared down at his sister,

"And you couldn't have mentioned this earlier? You know, _before_ we turned Brooklyn upside down."

Isabelle just flipped her hair and shrugged,

"What?_ I_ thought it was fun."

Clary glanced at her watch, it was getting close to dark, and her mother wouldn't be pleased if she knew about what Clary was doing.

"Okay, where to first? Werewolves? Fey? Vampires?"

"Vampires last," Simon said hastily, slumping lower in his seat. Alec gave him a look,

"I thought you patched things up with Raphael? Since he can't kill you and all,"

"An uneasy alliance," Simon said, looking almost sick, "I rather not test it."

Before Alec could argue any further Clary said,

"Werewolves; we can talk to Luke while we're there anyway."

So it was decided.

"Well, that was pointless," Simon said. They had visited Luke and the pack; And according to Maia, who seemed to be the ear of the pack, Jace hadn't been spotted in their neck of the woods at all. Luke had been very concerned but Clary reassured him, afraid he would say something to Jocelyn. They were headed to central park, looking for the fey, not an experience Clary wanted to have. But the slim chance that Jace could be there kept her going.

"Hey, has any one tried calling him?" Alec asked casually as they walked to the pond and avoided a panhandler who had pestered them earlier.

There was a long silence amongst the four of them. Alec's blue eyes widened,

"By the Angel," he swore under his breath and whipped out his cell, punching in the numbers with a vengeance.

"Jace?" Alec asked with nervousness. Obviously someone had picked up. Alec's faced scrunched up with distaste,

"Huh? Who is this?"

His face was thoroughly confused as he handed the phone to Clary,

"Hello?" Clary felt her palms go sweaty and her heartbeat accelerate when she heard the voice on the other end,

"Hello Clary," it was Jace, but he sounded different, hollow somehow, it explained why Alec didn't recognize him.

"Jace! Where are you?" Clary pushed away her fear and anxiety and focused on Jace. There was a soft laugh on the other end of the line,

"Looking for me have you? Well, I'm around,"

"Well, that's great, but _where_?"

"Do me a favor, Clary" Jace said, ignoring Clary's inquiry, "Don't go looking for me"

"Too bad, I've been looking all day."

"That was a waste of time. I'm sorry about that, but you should stop. Save your energy."

"Jace, what's wrong? Why are you talking like that?" it was staring to creep her out.

"Good-bye, Clary." he hung up, leaving Clary staring at the phone dumbfounded.

"He hung up on me" she stated,

"Figured that," Simon commented drily.

"So, do we go to the faerie court or not?" Alec asked, giving the pond a wary glance.

"No, he's not there. The court doesn't have cell reception. Trust me, I've tried." Isabelle said, leaning against a tree, the heel of her boot making a dent in the bark.

"So…we go to the vampire hotel?"

"Thanks to you Simon, we can get in."

Clary noticed Simon visibly swallow,

"Sure…why not? It's not like those guys have a vendetta against me or anything like that."

"Glad to see your sportsmanship, let's go." Isabelle announced gaily, pushing off from her perch and already heading out of the park and towards the subway station. Alec followed his sister and Clary hung back with Simon. Silently she took his hand and squeezed it before letting go and racing after the duo that were merging into the night. After a moment Simon followed suite, easily catching up.

Too soon all four of them stood in front of the domineering fortress that was hotel Dumort. Simon sighed,

"Okay, I'll take you guys up one by one. Alec, you're first."

"Why am I first?" Alec questioned sullenly, coming to stand behind Simon.

"Stop nagging Alec, just go." Isabelle snapped, tapping her foot. When Simon motioned Alec to climb up onto his back, Alec had a martyred expression as he clambered onto Simons back and shoulders, wrapping his legs around his torso. The sight was an odd one, although Alec definitely had more weight and height, Simon didn't seem this least bit bothered about the burden, if only perhaps a bit embarrassed at the whole affair.

Alec looked aggrieved when he huffed, "this is _so_ degrading." Simon's voice was chipper when he replied,

"You're welcome to stay here until the vampires find us: getting your ass kicked will beat this in the degrading category." Alec kept silent after that.

Simon scaled the wall quickly, dropping Alec off and jumping down. Clary let out a small scream when he landed. He had landed with slightly bent knees and seemed perfectly uninjured; he looked bemusedly at Clary before taking Isabelle up.

Clary was the last pick up. She wrapped her arms under his and gripped onto his shoulders. She felt like a monkey clinging onto him. The ride up was bizarre; Simon simply touched the wall and was able to grip it. Once all of them were on the roof they headed the steel door that led to the hotel interior.

Their footsteps were absorbed by the velvet carpet. Clary grabbed the banister for balance and nearly fell over: the banister was gone. It was Alec who was quick enough to snag her around the waist and hoist her up.

"What the hell? What happened to the banister?" but when Clary looked down, she had bigger issues. First of all; the stairs ended, leaving a good twenty to thirty feet between the stairs they were on and the ground. Second problem; there was a hoard of vampires standing right underneath them. Clary opened her mouth to scream but Alec, who still was holding her waist, clamped his hand over her mouth and whispered,

"They don't know we're here."

And when Clary looked back down, she realized that Alec was right. They seemed to be conversing; or rather fighting seemed to be a better word for it, with each other. Totally unaware of the people above them. Clary looked over and saw Isabelle and Simon staring down at the crowd. Isabelle was focused and Simon nervous. Clary nudged Simon,

"What are they saying?" she whispered, unable to hear them. Simon nodded and seemed to be focusing on something before saying,

"Something about clan leaders…I think it's a rebellion." He listened again, his expression changing,

"No…they don't know if they should follow Raphael or Camille as their leaders. Some are afraid… correction; most are afraid of Raphael while others want Camille and feel she's a better leader."

Simon's face suddenly went pale, paler than its usual pallor. His voice was strained when he said,

"They're talking about me. That they would back me up…shit…they want _me_ to lead. To go against Raphael."

Clary shared Simon's horror. This wasn't good. She flinched when she heard Isabelle let out possibly the loudest sneeze known to man. She and Clary exchanged looks of terror and hesitatingly looked down. All the pale faces were craned up to meet theirs.

Oh crap.

Suddenly there was a flurry of motion; somehow some of the vampires had gotten to them. Clary felt hands grab and tug at her until she was thrown off balance and tossed off of the incomplete stairs. She heard herself scream all the way down, the ground rushing up towards her. Surprisingly she didn't hit the ground and snap her neck, but land heavily into someone's arms. Clary gasped and looked into the face of her savior; it was Lily. And she didn't look happy. Quickly she dropped Clary. Just as she was getting to her feet, Lily pinned her arms behind her back and dragged her to the crowd. Alec and Isabelle were being held hostage as well. Only Simon was free.

"Shadowhunters," Lily snarled. Clary couldn't see her face but betted the expression was twisted with rage. Vampires tended to overreact to their property being trespassed. Isabelle tried to squirm out of the grip of Elliot.

"We're looking for someone." she said, trying to get Lily's attention.

Lily raised an eyebrow,

"Who?"

"Jace,"

The crowd laughed,

"Why would he be here?" Lily said, not smiling like her peers.

"A lucky guess," Isabelle replied, looking straight at Lily.

"Not lucky enough."

"So he's not here then." Simon clarified, his eyes taking in their trapped state.

"Obviously," Lily had turned away from Isabelle and was now staring at Simon.

"Daylighter. Why are _you_ here?"

"The same reason they are."

Lily tilted her head to the side, regarding Simon carefully.

"You are free to go, Daylighter. You're friends will not have that privilege."

"I'm not going anywhere without them." Simon said, his voice hard. Clary felt a surge of pride. He was standing in the middle of a very pissed off crowd of vampires, who were jealous and disliked him, yet he was willing to stick his neck out for them.

"Fine. You can watch them die then. I assure you, it will be quite a show." to Clary's shock and horror, Lily leaned in, presumably to take a chunk out of Clary's neck.

"Stop. Or else I'll intervene and you'll be a pillar of salt."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Try to kill Clary, I'll get in the way and you'll be dead."

"You're lying. Why else would you tell me?"

"To give you a fair warning. You know I'm not lying," Simon had come so he was close enough to step in between Clary and Lily, "Raphael told all of you about my mark."

It was Elliot of spoke up,

"So, if someone tries to kill you, they'll literally turn into a pillar of salt?"

Simon looked considering,

"Yeah, that's pretty much what happens."

Elliot looked impressed,

"Cool,"

"Shut up," Lily snapped, but she did let go of Clary and step away. Her eyes were glittering with thinly veiled loathing.

"Turn on your own kind, will you?"

Simon's face was expressionless when he said,

"You had no problem getting rid of me before the mark."

Clary knew Simon had Lily stumped and she had opened her mouth to pointlessly defend herself, no doubt, when a new voice interrupted before she could speak,

"We have visitors, apparently. Nice of you guys to let me know."

Lily's eyes seemed to pop out of her head when she recognized the voice of her master, the same master she and the clan were recently planning on overthrowing.

"Raphael. We didn't know you had returned." she said hastily, snapping her head around to Raphael's direction. She seemed to step in front of Simon, as if to hide him.

"Well, I have." He passed close to Clary. She had hoped he wouldn't notice her, but her half-hearted hopes were trampled on when he whispered just loud enough for her to hear,

"Couldn't keep away from me, could you?"

Clary was speechless.

Raphael was frowning at Lily,

"Congrats: you got them, now scram."

Lily looked faintly abashed,

"Aren't you going to kill them? They trespassed."

"I can't kill Simon, unfortunately; besides, he is a vampire. He's allowed to come and go as he pleases."

"What about the Shadowhunters?" Lily pointed out, obviously trying to work things so she could either witness or commit a murder today.

Raphael looked considering,

"Good point, I'll take that into consideration, now get lost."

"Raphael, this is ridiculous. Man up and…" but Lily didn't get the chance to tell Raphael how he should man up, because Raphael had grabbed her hair, an action so quick Clary didn't spot it, and slammed Lily's head into the nearby wall. It was as if he had collided two rocks together: the marble collision echoed off everything. The other vampires were silent, probably, Clary guessed, as a result of impressive shock. The mad glitter in Lily's eyes was immediately extinguished.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Raphael asked innocently, still having a firm grip on Lily's head. Lily didn't give a reply and Clary, staring harder at the vampire girl's face, wondered if she was comatose. Smiling slightly, Raphael let her go.

"That's what I thought."

"And they wonder why we want Camille back!" Elliot said, "Exhibit A," he gestured to Raphael and Lily. Raphael's gaze went murderous and was centered on Elliot. In under a second all the vampires were gone. Raphael, Clary, Simon, Isabelle and Alec were left.

"Why are you here? If you have a good enough reason I will leave you be."

"We thought Jace would be here," Isabelle said, not looking too pleased to be speaking to Raphael.

"And why would you think that?"

"It was either here or a strip club." Simon said impatiently, evidently tired of Raphael's snooping,

"I was inclined to think the latter, but in a game of rock, paper, scissors, this dump won."

"I'm honored, but alas," he continued, "your rogue Shadowhunter is not here."

Clary silently cursed Jace. What the hell was going through his head?

"I'll walk you out," Raphael said, turning smartly around and walking out of the room, expecting them to follow.

"More like push us off the roof." Simon muttered before trailing after Raphael. Clary, Isabelle and Alec followed suit.

They seemed to be going through some underground tunnel. The walls were rounded and closed in, giving Clary a strong feeling of claustrophobia. The tunnel was also pitch black and, for Simon and Raphael, posed no problem. The same was not the case for Clary and the other two shadowhunters.

"Where's the witch light?" Alec asked, stumbling through the dark. Raphael and Simon were far ahead.

After a moment of rustling Isabelle let out a frustrated sigh,

"Not here. Anyone got a flash light?" More rustling ensured yet, from a low cursing, it was evident there was no success.

"What's the holdup?" it was Raphael and although Clary couldn't see him, she could feel and hear him right behind her.

"We don't have a light: not all of us have night vision, you know."

"Use your weapons; they give off the angel's light. Hurry up,"

Raphael was right and Clary could tell Isabelle and Alec were ticked that they didn't realize this earlier. Clary took out a short dagger and whispered its name. Isabelle and Alec did the same. Soon they caught up to Simon and Raphael, making a rather odd group.

Alec had taken lead with Simon and Isabelle right behind him. Clary lagged behind, lost in her own thoughts.

"Nice to see _you _again," Raphael commented, falling into step with Clary. Clary chose to ignore this and keep her gaze straight ahead. At her lack of response Raphael just chuckled,

"What are you laughing at?" Clary asked, not really wanting an answer.

"you,"

"I'm glad I amuse you." Clary said before getting the innuendo of her words. Raphael didn't seem to notice, but kept in time with her sloth pace. When they came to a fork in the tunnel Raphael instructed them to go the right. And soon they stood under a grate.

"How do we get up?" Simon asked, craning his neck.

"Jump, Daylighter." Raphael instructed. Simon, although reluctant, obeyed. Clary was surprised to note that Simon was able to jump, and hit the grate with enough force to open it up. Simon got himself above ground and helped the others up as well. Isabelle and Alec were up first (this had to do with the fact of Isabelle's constant complaining and the high possibility that if she didn't leave soon, Raphael would throw her out.)

When it was Clary's turn, Raphael kneeled and gestured for her to use his leg as a stool. Sticking the knife back into her backpack and pursing her lips together, Clary did as she was told and tried to ignore Raphael's grip on her ankle as he steadied her. She grasped onto Simon's outreached hand and was hauled up.

The last look of Raphael she had before Simon covered the whole with the grate, he was staring straight at her, looking thoroughly and incredibly close to laughter. Clary was grateful when the grate covered him and blocked her line of sight.


	3. Chapter 3

"We have to split up, cover more ground." Isabelle declared once they were on the subway. Clary internally groaned. Great; now she was _alone_ looking for Jace. They all separated once they hit Manhattan: Isabelle going North, Alec West, Simon South and Clary East. Clary went into every store that was open, every restaurant and every bar, even a really seedy one where all the waitresses wore bras, but still no Jace. She had wandered aimlessly through the city until she was in the upper east side, where all the rich New Yorkers spent their time. Exhausted and defeated, Clary took a seat on the bench outside of Barneys.

She tilted her head up to look at the night sky. When she was Alicante, she could make out all the stars and see the indigo blue of the sky. But in New York, the only stars you saw were helicopters; there was also no indigo in the color scheme of New York's night. It was kind of yellow and brown, washed out. In that moment, Clary wished she was in Alicante, only not really; for obvious reasons. But she didn't want to be here either.

Her thigh buzzed and for a moment Clary thought she was having some sort of epileptic seizure. Then she realized it was her phone.

"Hello?" Clary greeted, trying not to stare at the cross dresser coming out of Barneys; the velour jumpsuit was extremely distracting.

"Clary? It's Alec. We found Jace. He's at Magnus's. Come quickly," he hung up before she could reply.

Relief flooded through her; finally Jace was found. Her joy came to a full stop when she realized two things. one; Magnus lived in Brooklyn, quite a ways away from the upper East side and two; she was out of money. Absolutely broke. Clary slumped in her seat: crap. Just when she considered pan handling for loose change a very loud revving of an engine pulled her out of her thoughts.

Clary glanced up. A motorcycle was right in front of her. _No shit, Clary, _a voice in her head that was scarily similar to Jace's whispered, _where else would a thunderous engine come from? _The rider's face was hidden by the helmet but it was the bike itself that tipped Clary off. It was odd, almost organic looking, and she was almost positive it didn't run on gasoline. _Oh no_, Clary let her gaze settle back on the rider, the helmet was now gone and he was smiling, joyous at her discomfort,

"Need a ride?"

_How did he find me? How does he always find me_? Those thoughts and others were running rampant in Clary's head as she stared at Raphael. The most awful part of the whole ordeal was that Clary _did_ need a ride, most desperately.

"Yeah, I do actually." She confessed stiffly.

Clary never felt humiliation and total fear simultaneously, but now, asking Raphael for a ride on his demon death machine, she had experienced the feeling.

"Get on then," he had pulled over so the cars were no longer honking at them. Clary climbed on, slightly familiar from her last adventure on a demon motorcycle; the only damper on this trip down memory lane was that motorcycling on demon energies had almost gotten her killed.

Why was she doing this?

Clary kept her torso and legs as far from Raphael as possible, tentatively holding onto his shoulders.

"You're going to fall off," he warned her.

"I'll be fine." she said through gritted teeth, not sure why she was so agitated. She decided it had to be Raphael's influence.

He sighed; reaching behind him he grabbed Clary's legs and dragged her forward. Clary made a sound of protest but of course Raphael disregarded the sound as possibly being one of the traffic.

Her legs were now pressed against his, as were her torso against his back. Now that the proximity had dramatically increased Clary had to wrap her arms around his waist instead of holding his shoulders. He passed her the helmet; she frowned, not taking it.

"It's yours."

"Ah, but my head will not be split into two when we crash. Yours will. Take it,"

Clary put the helmet on, the tinted visor blocking a lot of her vision,

"_When_ we crash? Don't you mean _if_?"

"If it makes you feel better, sure."

Clary was starting to really regret even getting on the bike.

Before she had a chance to voice her doubts or possibly leap off of the seat, Raphael put the bike into the gear and they were off. The speed was exhilarating, and Raphael drove _a lot_ faster than Jace. They swerved around cars and took short cuts through alleys. When they stopped short at a red light Clary almost flew out of her seat.

"Forgot to ask: where are you going?"

"Brooklyn; Magnus Bane's house."

Clary felt rather than saw Raphael nod,

"I know where that is."

Clary had an idea that most Downworlders knew where Magnus lived.

As they were getting over the Brooklyn Bridge, it had started to rain. Just spitting at first then a second later it became a torrential downpour. Although the rain didn't slow Raphael's speed, it made Clary exceedingly nervous. She was pleased when they pulled up to Magnus's front door.

Once the bike had come to a full, no-doubt-about-it stop, Clary dizzily got off and chucked the helmet at Raphael. The rain had soaked her; Luke's jacket absorbed the water like a sponge, and it felt like Clary was carrying an extra hundred pounds. She turned around to thank Raphael (although she didn't want to) but he wasn't looking at her. He was staring at Magnus's house. Clary wasn't sure why; it wasn't like Magnus's house was pretty to look at, but Raphael seemed mesmerized by it.

"Err. Right, thanks for the ride."

Raphael's dark eyes left the house and focused on her. What she saw there made her heart beat go up a notch.

"Look. What happened earlier," she moved closer so she could be heard over the pounding rain, even though got her even wetter. Raphael was as drenched as she was; but he didn't seem that bothered by it.

"It was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course…"Clary was caught off guard, "Of course it was a mistake. I love Jace, and you love ah…well, whoever. Point is, I wasn't supposed to do that and I don't want you getting the wrong idea."

"I'm just saying" Raphael said, sliding off the bike and coming to stand near her, "even if you were attracted to me, there is no shame in it. The heart wants what the heart wants."

Clary wasn't sure if she was going to groan in frustration or laugh at the ridiculousness of his words.

"Oh my God, you did not just say that."

"What?"

"It sounded like something from Breakfast at Tiffany's,"

"I'm going to pretend you just didn't compare me to Holly Golucky," Raphael mutters. Clary rolled her eyes,

"Look, I am not attracted to you. Never was and never will,"

"So _that's _why you kissed me: it all makes sense now."

"Shut up," Clary hissed. He had said it loud enough for the whole Tristate area to hear. Raphael grins,

"I can say it louder," he took a dramatic deep breath, "I KISSED…" Clary clapped her hand on his mouth, effectively cutting off his words.

Carefully Raphael took her hand off of his mouth. Clary stared him down making sure he wasn't going to go yelling about again. When he didn't, she stepped back.

"Well if that's all…" Clary took another step back and headed back to Magnus's porch. She felt someone's hand on her arm and soon she was spun to face Raphael.

"You may think it's a mistake, but I don't."

"You don't even like me." Clary found nesccary to point out though she could feel her breathing become shallow.

Raphael shrugged,

"Does that even matter? I have my reasons and so do you."

Clary couldn't believe they were having this conversation. She tried to back away, but since his grip was quite strong, it achieved little.

"Raphael, let me go." Clary tried again to jerk out of his grip but it didn't work. When she was just about to resort to kicking him in some highly personal areas, he leaned down and kissed her.

Her immediate instinct was to pull away and slap him. It was what she was _supposed_ to do, a thing a good, faithful girlfriend would do. But to Clary's increasing shame, she _didn't_ want to. It wasn't safe and it was _definitely_ stupid. Raphael didn't care about how she felt, her guilt: and Clary found herself grateful for his lack of sensitivity. It was as if she didn't need to worry about consequences, not when he was so careless. And she _wanted _to be careless, just for once. She held onto the lapels of his leather jacket and his arms wound around her waist, pressing her against him. She was standing in the rain, on the sidewalk kissing Raphael; cheating on Jace. And no one needed to know.

That was, no one needed to know until the front door of Magnus's swung open. Alec stood there, obviously intending to berate Clary for her tardiness, when he finally took in what he was seeing: a rainbow of emotions crossed his face. At first pure undeniable shock, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing was real. Then came the sadness and pain, and at last, the Alec Anger.

Clary just noticed Alec when he had come right up to her and Raphael. With a strength Clary couldn't compete with, he snagged the collar of her soaked jacket (she had the feeling he was very much resisting the impulse to take her by the hair) and dragged her up the dimly lit porch, into the foyer, and slammed the door behind them, effectively leaving Raphael out in the pouring rain. Which, Clary was saddened to note, also effectively left her alone to deal with Alec.


	4. Chapter 4

" By the Angel, what possessed you to do _that?_" Alec hissed. He and Clary were in the foyer of Magnus's apartment, alone; where no one would hear her scream. Clary shrugged off her waterlogged coat, ignoring Alec. When he was still bitching she turned around to face him.

"Alec, it just _happened_, okay? It was a onetime thing. Now, could you please stop spitting and stressing it? You're going to give yourself an ulcer."

The effect of her words were immediate,

"Don't _stress_ it? You cheated on Jace. Not even with Simon, someone who loves you, but with _Raphael._ I cannot convey how gross that is."

"This is so not your business, Alec." Clary warned, crossing her arms across her chest. Alec's blue eyes narrowed,

"Jace is my brother, so yeah, this is my business."

Clary took a deep breath,

"Alec, please don't tell him. It was a huge lapse in judgment. And I take full responsibility for that. But he cannot know."

Alec looked put out,

"Why?"

"Well, first of all, I would be in the deepest shit ever. And second; he'll kill Raphael. Therefore breaking any hope of peace with the vampires."

"He wouldn't kill Raphael." Alec tried to reason, although they both knew he was wrong.

"Yes, he would."

"That still doesn't excuse what you did"

"I never said it did," Clary said, her voice razor sharp.

"Clary…" Alec looked a loss for words, "it's not just about cheating. Raphael… he's not good, you do know that, right? He's not a good person."

"Because he's a vampire, right?" Clary shot back viciously. Alec looked stunned.

"What?"

"Well, Simon's a vampire, and he's a good person."

"Clary, you're not listening…"

"I don't want to listen. Juts drop it, Alec. It's over."

Before Alec could formulate a reply to that, Isabelle graced them with her presence.

"Clary," she exclaimed with a mix of surprise and pleasure, "you got here fast. Anyway, Jace is upstairs. Come on." Alec and Clary followed Isabelle up to the apartment. Magnus was leaning against the far wall, cat eyes glued on the figure in the middle of the room. Clary stared at Jace, not sure if she should run into his arms or kick his ass. He smiled when he saw her; looking totally normal.

"Hey," he opened his arms, as if he expected Clary to come into them. Clary walked right up into him. He had a crooked smile; her hand smacked his cheek with enough force to send his head snapping to one side.

"You're an absolute idiot" she declared.

Jace touched his cheek, his expression bemused. Clary gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

"Don't ever do that to me again," she whispered so only he could hear it. At that, he smiled fully.

"Deal,"

Clary could feel Alec's glare like lasers shooting into the back of her skull. Jace seemed to notice it as well; he raised his eyebrows and said,

"Alec, would you stop staring at my girlfriend like she needs a stoning?" at his words, Alec flinched and Clary pinched her lips together. Jace glanced at Clary, "Am I missing something? Why all the secretive exchange of glances?"

Clary turned red and refused to answer. Alec just huffed and strutted off to the other side of the room, where Magnus was. Magnus, on the other hand, looked like he was suppressing a grin, and not succeeding much. Isabelle looked confused.

"Alec?"

"Let us leave the love birds, hmm?" Magnus suggested loftily. Patting Alec on the back, Magnus led the two of them out of the room. Just as he reached the door, he glanced over his shoulder at Izzy, who didn't move,

"Shadowhunter? Jace and Clary aren't inviting a threesome. Get your incredibly fashionable butt over here,"

Looking regretful but somewhat flattered, Isabelle strutted after Magnus, gold whip glittering like a third eye around her wrist. Before long, Jace and Clary were finally alone. He had his arms around her waist and she her head under his chin. They rested like that for a while until Clary broke away and looked him in the eye.

"Jace, what happened? Why did you run away?"

Jace's gold eyes widened,

"You're the fourth person to ask me that. I have no idea: I just blacked out and then I found myself in Brooklyn."

At Clary's dubious look Jace's voice turned pleading,

"I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I cannot remember anything." he had let Clary go and walked over to the coffee table, idly running his fingers over the spell books. When he turned around to look at her, his expression was one of worry and vulnerability,

"Clary, what's happening to me?"

Clary didn't know. And she felt her guilt rush up at her, full force.

"I wish I could help you."Clary said, feeling helpless. She held Jace's hands in hers. "No, scratch that: I _will _help you."

"What if this…_thing_ is permanent?" The horror of the thought was clear in his eyes.

"Then…we'll deal with it as it comes." Clary said resolutely.

"What would I do without you?" Jace said, pulling Clary into a tight embrace.

"Be a useless puddle; a shame to all Shadowhunters."

"Probably,"

Clary laughed at the conviction in his voice. Jace turned serious,

"So, what's with you and Alec? He seemed pretty pissed off."

"Oh, we just got into a fight. Nothing big."

Jace looked considering, touching Clary's face carefully,

"What have you been up to? You look incredibly stressed."

Clary tried to cover up the panic that briefly engulfed her,

"Stressed? I believe that has to do with you, Jace Lightwood."

Jace laughed and kissed her,

"I'm sorry, how can I relax you?"

Clary giggled at the innuendo.

"Yeah, nice try: I wouldn't dare, not in Magnus's place."

Jace mocked shuddered,

"I don't really want to visualize his reaction. I'm pretty sure blue sparks will be involved."

He grabbed Clary's hand and led her out to where the others were. When she met Alec's gaze, his blue eyes were sad, and slightly hurt. Clary pushed him out of her mind and focused on Jace. That's what she would do, help Jace. Perhaps that would ease her conscious.


	5. Chapter 5

Clary came back from Magnus' house late, later than Jocelyn expected: she and Luke had been watching a movie to pass the evening, some crime film Luke had been mad on renting. When Clary had stumbled through the front door, they were just cleaning up the popcorn bowls and tidying the kitchen. Luke appraised Clary with raised eyebrows,

"Rough night?"

"We found Jace,"

"Good!" but Jocelyn's exclamation was half-hearted. She exchanged a loaded glance with Luke.

"I'm tired," Clary mutters and slipped past them before being bombarded with questions. She hit the stairs at full speed and didn't stop until she was in her room, door closed, beloved sketchbook on her lap. She closed her eyes and tried to picture something to sketch but she wasn't really concentrating. She was too wired to go to sleep and she felt that drawing would calm her. When Clary glanced down at her work, it had the opposite effect. Savagely she shut the book and shoved it under her pillow.

The room was dark and almost unfamiliar. She wished she was at Simon's, playing video games or just reading magna. In fact, she felt as if Simon was the perfect distraction from her wandering mind. Resolute, Clary stood up and fished her cell out of her back pocket but then jumped when something hit against her window. And then almost screamed when she saw who it was.

"What are you doing here?" she said once she opened the window, sticking her whole upper body out to block his entrance.

"Is it not obvious enough?" Raphael asked, slipping past her easily and into her room.

"You could have just used the front door. You didn't need to go all Twilight on me."

This was met with a blank stare.

"You know; window, vampire, sparkly?"

More blank staring.

"Wow, you need to get out more." Clary took a seat on her bed, quickly shrugging on a cardigan. Raphael was looking around her room; his expression closed and cold.

"What?" Clary questioned, feeling the need to defend her small cramped room.

"Nothing," he said, his eyes turning on her, taking a seat beside her on the bed.

Clary took a deep breath, preparing what she needed to say. Of course, she hadn't planned on giving this speech in her bedroom, but it was better sooner than later. She was cut off before she had begun. Raphael had cupped her face with his hands, and planted his lips on hers. She pulled away,

"No, I can't."

Raphael didn't look particularly convinced.

"You had no problem at Magnus' parking lot,"

Clary felt her face go hot with shame.

"That's not fair," she points out, shifting away from him. Raphael shrugged and leaned forward, catching Clary off guard. His face was uncharacteristically gentle.

"Clary, you have to know it isn't Jace anymore. That he's not human anymore? Valentine's son has ripped his soul apart."

"That can't be true." Clary gulped, feeling the water works approaching, and she fought hard not to let Raphael see her cry, "He's still him, and I know it. I spoke to him at Magnus'. It's Jace and he's scared… he doesn't…"

"Clary," Raphael interrupts, grabbing her chin and bringing his face close to hers, "demons are actors. Trust me, I know." His grin was brief and disappeared completely when Clary, to her intense humiliation, felt a tear track down her cheek. His expression went from grim to incredulous in an instant.

"A Shadowhunter crying? This must be up there with the Virgin's statue weeping for her lost son."

"Oh, shut up," Clary snaps, turning away, but Raphael still had a firm hold on her chin. His eyes became sly and Clary's heart beat tripled. Keeping eye contact the entire time, Raphael leaned forward and pressed his lips against the hollow of her throat, slowly moving up neck and her jaw, and on to her lips. She felt herself break into a cold sweat. The bed beneath her creaked and Clary was very much grateful Luke and Jocelyn had left earlier that night for a pack meeting. Raphael sidled closer until Clary's spine was flush against her mattress, Raphael's dark hair tickling her cheek bones. His hand slid up her arm, interlocking their fingers, and pinning her hand above her head. He kissed her a third time.

"Raphael?" she whispered and his eyes were amused.

"_Si_?"

"I really mean it…I can't do this."

"Hmm," he nuzzled her neck and it took every ounce of Clary's self-will to sit up and break the contact.

"Okay, listen, this is the last time I'm going to say it…._I can't do this_, not anymore. I belong to Jace, not you."

"I never said you belonged to me."

"That's not what I'm saying," Clary said, growing frustrated, "I'm not going to hurt him."

A flash of something came in Raphael's eyes. Quickly and with much force and suppressed violence he kissed Clary again.

Okay, this was not the route she wanted. As gently as possible, Clary tried to disengage herself by pulling away. Raphael's expression iced over, a mask that made Clary falter with chilled surprise, and that was all the time he needed: he launched himself at her with a predator instinct that was less born of passion but more of possession. He had her pinned. Panic flooded Clary before overruling self-preservation won out—bucking her hips achieved little other than shifting Raphael's weight slightly so she was no longer in danger of being crushed. Gritting her teeth, Clary felt her hand lift of its own accord and aim for Raphael's face. Her intention was to claw his eyes out but Raphael saw it coming a lot sooner than she expected. Grabbing her wrist, he forced it backward until Clary was sure he would break it. Biting back tears, she turned away from his dominant body, using her left shoulder as a barrier. Her other hand, now free from its prison beneath her own body, right hooked him in the ribs. Clearly unhurt but shocked at the unexpected offense, Raphael fell off of the bed, giving Clary the upper hand. She made a running leap, ankle rolling beneath her as she landed, and lurched to the door just in time for Raphael to regain his composure, spot her escape, and snag her around the waist to bring her to the ground. Clary gasped as she felt her legs become trapped once again under him, arms yanked upwards against her will, very sharp teeth grazing the delicate skin of her throat. Clary then realized she had full access to her voice, now that Raphael wasn't kissing-smothering her.

Clary let out the loudest scream she could muster. And it was very impressive. Raphael jerked away from her. With the weight of him off of her, Clary pushed back and stood up.

"Will you listen now?"

Raphael narrowed his eyes, but nodded. Clary sat back down on her bed; feeling more than queasy and nauseous, while Raphael took a seat at her desk.

"I'm not going to see you anymore. I don't want to see you anymore. If _you_ try to find me, I'll tell Jace what happened just now. That's when you'll need to sleep with one eye open." Raphael glared at her.

"Actually, you wouldn't have to sleep like that long." Clary winked at him, knowing he was caught, "Jace will finish you off way before then."

"_Esto__es__jodido__ridículo.__¿Quién__es__usted__que__cree__que__pueden__amenaza__rme_?"

Clary stared at him, having no idea what he was going on about. When he just continued to glare at her resentfully she said,

"Get out, Raphael."

He rose from his seated position fluidly with an inhumane grace. It sent shivers up Clary's spine. Before he left, he put his face inches away from Clary's, his lovely dark eyes icy and merciless,

"I'll be sure to remember this in the very near future: this will come back to haunt you, Morgenstern." He smiled. A smile, Clary was sure, that would make Satan proud.

"Tell Simon I'll be in touch." and with that he slipped out of the window and into the night, where he belonged. Clary shakily got up and slammed the window down, making sure it was locked. Although; she doubted a simple lock would keep Raphael out.

Clary covered herself with her bed sheets; it did nothing to erase the cold that was now etched into her bones. She felt fear; like nothing else. Raphael, she was almost positive, had directed that threat to Simon. She had put Simon into more danger than before. Clary couldn't even think of getting out of this; she was in too deep. Her web of lies and deceit had entangled her; suffocating her and making escape impossible. Clary closed her eyes; willing sleep to come. And it did; karma could be a real bitch. Her slumber was plagued by night terrors, all too close to reality for Clary's liking. She mentally added Raphael to her list of people to avoid; he was hungry for revenge and Clary doubted he would stop until he was satisfied; that put Clary herself and all those she loved in danger. Alec's earlier words ran through her head, mocking her,

_He's not good; he's not a good person…_

Well that really bit her in the ass. Clary internally cursed her stupidity both at her ignorance to Alec's warning and to Raphael's comment not ten minutes ago; "_Demons are very good actors_". Yeah; _he _would know. Clary tried to block out the oncoming wave of panic; if she was going to survive, she needed a plan. Only problem; she had no idea where to start.


End file.
